"A part of me is afraid. Afraid that the further I willed myself to go, the lesser I find myself wanting to go back."

"Then that's good. It shows that you are not missing him anymore."

There is never about having best of both worlds.
There is always an opportunity cost somewhere. (That applies to everything in life, isn't it?)

For the first time,my intention is never about provoking/upsetting you to change anything. My intention is trying to find the courage to look for what I want.

What I want/wanted, is oddly still a mystery. I am however,afraid that I would never find it if I never even walk outta the zone.

I know there is no such thing about a perfect love.

"Love is..Sacrifices!"

I feel dead sick in the heart thinking that I could be making the biggest mistake of my life by letting go. I am not even letting go cos' I thought I received something I wanted. I am letting go cos' I thought I would be better to stop this partial denial altogether and hopefully God would show me something that would tug me better in the heart.

I had faced this knot in my relationship many a times and even when I chose to confront it, I find myself not strong enough to cut it. I thought many times that I was just being silly, just need more attention etc.
Even till date, I still dare not give a confirmation to such thought.
I am not seeing the coast yet, still drifting.

I am a romance at heart. Despite the sobering reality, I still yearn for someone who can reach me inside. Someone who can talk to me easily and make me talk about ...my feelings inside,without mincing/hiding. The flow would be so effortless and natural.
Someone who could be a best friend and yet a unwavering lover. And that someone who makes me see every today and tomorrow with him. We could be poor or rich together but it is that connection of our hearts/souls that make us shine.

I know that is utterly silly cos' we don't live in 'Once Upon A Time' or Nicholas Sparks' novels. (Thank God for the latter, cos' I would have want to die myself if my partner I love so much died.) Perhaps what is important is finding someone whom you can live with, who loves you and someone you can at least feel ease at heart settling down with.
Maybe.

But now I can't live with that yet. Cos' I can't settle for that very empty feeling inside me and that makes me angry. A lot of times I felt pissed cos' you don't seem to be able to fit into what I wanted. I know it is never about what a partner wanted and I never meant that in material form or sort.
I am just talking about a 'connection'. It is almost like you have it or you don't.

Sigh.
But I don't think I'd ever lied. When I felt in love with you, I really did.
I could always feel myself crying thinking I could be doing something so stupid.
Still....I wanted the courage. The courage to see if what I am doing is right. If I am ever wrong and I could never return, I would not blame anyone. I would feel wistful,likely but I know I chose that. I would be responsible for that.

Would there be room for regrets? Would there be room for return? Would there be room for me anymore? I know fairly well what are the opportunity costs I am facing.

I know.